


until every last star in the galaxy dies

by madithewriter



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Blood and Injury, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, brief mention of alcohol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-09-15 20:46:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9256382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madithewriter/pseuds/madithewriter
Summary: Leonard hasn't spoken to Jim since they rescued him from his captors. Jim worries that this might be the thing that finally breaks Leonard McCoy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to [nosnownoshow](http://archiveofourown.org/users/nosnownoshow) for beta reading this and for saying such nice things about it! <3

Leonard hasn’t spoken to Jim in over a week.

He hasn’t spoken to anyone – except for M’Benga and Christine whom he only speaks to about his physical injuries – since he got back to the ship.

Leonard just holes himself up in his room, seemingly just waiting for Christine to bring him his daily meals and doses of medicine. He has every right to as well; he isn’t required to return for duty until M’Benga clears him.

And Jim – well, he tries to give Leonard the time and space that he needs, but a part of him had hoped that it would only be a couple of days before the doctor was climbing back into bed beside him.

It’s tearing Jim apart, the not knowing, but Leonard isn’t talking, and Jim will not force him. He knows something awful happened after they lost contact, they lost a good officer down there for God’s sake, but he doesn’t know exactly what happened. Jim has regretted ever sending that away team down practically since he gave the order, but now he just wants Leonard to talk to someone – anyone.

Jim wants _his Bones_ back.

Spock notices, almost immediately, the toll that all of this is taking on his captain, and he offers to take temporary command of the ship. There is no threat of reporting Jim as emotionally compromised (although, anyone on the ship can see that Jim’s thoughts are not entirely focused on the ship or their mission), there’s just concern, as much as Spock is comfortable with showing, in the offer.

It makes Jim genuinely smile, probably for the first time since they received word of Leonard’s capture. Jim thanks Spock, but he doesn’t accept the offer until a few days later when he just can’t stand it any longer.

That’s how, on the ninth day of Leonard’s rescue, Jim stands in front of his door, his hand hovering over the buzzer several times only to fall limp at his side again.

“Captain?”

The voice startles him from his thoughts, and Jim turns to find the source. Christine is standing just feet away from him ( _God, he really is distracted._ ), holding a tray of food in her hands.

“Ah, Nurse Chapel,” Jim begins, now feeling plain awkward for standing alone outside of his CMO’s quarters. He finds himself scrambling for an excuse, but only says, “I was just…”

Christine holds up a hand, as if trying to wave away whatever Jim was going to say next. “No need to explain, sir,” she says. “Is he ignoring the buzzer again?”

 _Again_. That word bothers Jim. To think that Leonard is ignoring Christine, who’s only trying to help him get better… it hurts in a way Jim can’t even understand.

“No,” Jim says slowly, choosing not to bring it up, and admits, “I haven’t tried yet.”

Christine looks at him sympathetically and nods; she seems to understand, always does. She asks, “Would you like to come inside with me?”

Jim considers it, then shakes his head. “No… I’ll come back later – just, how is he doing?”

“His condition hasn’t changed since this morning, sir. His injuries are healing well, but he still isn’t talking much – no word of what happened to him down there,” she answers.

Jim nods, but something tugs at his heart. He was expecting that answer, but it’s still not what he _wanted_ to hear.

“Christine,” Jim begins, then hesitates. “Don’t mention that I was here, alright?”

She looks confused, but she slowly nods in affirmation. She, like everyone else, can see this tearing into Jim.

Jim offers a half-hearted smile and turns to leave, but a gentle hand on his arm makes him stop.

“He’ll pull through,” Christine tells him, her voice just as gentle as her touch. “Leonard always makes it through.”

Jim nods. He hopes that she’s right, and he knows Leonard is one of the strongest people that he has ever met, but he still worries that it won’t be the same Leonard, the same Bones, that makes it through.

 

Jim finds himself in the captain’s quarters, sitting at the table, his only company a glass of some bourbon that McCoy left in the room a few weeks earlier.

He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. He can pressure Leonard into telling him what happened, can order him in fact, but he knows that he won’t do that. He wants to know, but he _needs_ Leonard to get better.

Jim remembers the day they found him with complete clarity. It had taken a couple of battles, but in the end, no one on the rescue mission was seriously hurt and their phasers had only been set to stun. He doesn’t actually remember much about that, but damn, he’ll never forget actually finding Leonard.

He was in a dark dungeon-like room, tied to a post, as if the locked door wasn’t enough to keep him in. The only light came from a small window in the ceiling, but it was enough to see the blood on Leonard’s face, the torn shirt, the shaking hands. And when the team finally found him, and the door opened, Jim remembers the look of absolute terror on Leonard’s face because he thought it was his captures coming back for him.

That’s what hurt Jim the most. He had never seen Leonard look scared in his life. The man was a stubborn kind of brave that could only be broken by days of torment. Still, Jim scrambled forward, muttering “Bones, it’s me, it’s Jim” over and over again as he untied his hands. Leonard didn’t utter a word though, just let Jim and Spock run scans and finally tug him to his feet.

“Where is Lieutenant Kochanski, Doctor?” Spock had asked.

“Dead,” Leonard spit out, and that’s all he said that day.


	2. Chapter 2

Jim presses the buzzer to Leonard’s quarters before he can lose his nerve.

He isn’t afraid to talk to Leonard; he’s more afraid that Leonard might _not_ talk to him. Jim hears the low whistle on the other side of the door and what is definitely mumbled cursing. He briefly considers leaving, but Leonard’s voice is getting closer and more coherent.

“…told ya I’d be fine, Christine. I ate all o’ my food this time, so stop pesterin’…” That’s all Jim can make out before the door slides open and Leonard stops short. “Oh,” Leonard mumbles, obviously having been expecting his nurse and not Jim. “What’re you doing here?”

Jim doesn’t answer for a moment, just stands there looking Leonard up and down. He’s relieved to see that his injuries are healing just as Christine promised him on several occasions that they were. The relief is short-lived though because Jim can smell the alcohol, and that’s like a punch to the gut. It seems like Leonard has been doing the same thing that Jim has, but he’s had to have been drinking on and off for days now.

“Listen, Jim,” Leonard begins irritably, “If you came here just t’ stare at me, then you can just get.”

His voice seems to snap Jim back into reality, and his eyes flick up to meet Leonard’s. “You haven’t been eating?” Jim asks slowly, thinking back to the words meant for Christine.

Leonard sighs, but his features soften. He turns his head, glancing up and down the corridor as if someone might be watching and then steps to the side – a silent invitation for Jim to come inside. Jim does, but his heart only seems to sink further into his stomach. Leonard’s room is a mess, which would normally drive the doctor up the wall. There are clothes scattered across the bed and the floor, much like the paperwork surrounding his desk which was seemingly pushed off to accommodate the many bottles of liquor, some empty and some not, that now sit atop the fine wood.

“I been eatin’ just fine,” Leonard says.

His voice brings Jim out of his thoughts once again. He hadn’t even realized he had been moving towards the desk until Leonard was suddenly blocking his way.

Jim rubs a hand over his mouth, a nervous habit of his, before letting it fall limp at his side. “Chapel… she didn’t mention the it… she didn’t mention the drinking either…”

“Ah, don’t be mad at her,” Leonard says, falling into the seat in front of his desk. He leans his head into a hand, careful fingers rubbing his temple before he continues. “Asked her not to, so be mad at me, alright?”

“Mad?” Jim asks, seeming confused by the very thought. “I-I’m not mad at anybody. ‘M just worried.”

“Ain’t nothin’ to worry about,” Leonard says, trying to wave his worry away.

Jim scoffs, “Nothing to worry about?” He feels ridiculous, repeating what Leonard has said for the second time now, and he shakes his head. “Bones, you haven’t talked to me in a week…”

Leonard’s eyes squeeze shut like that thought pains him, and he finally mutters, “It ain’t your fault.” He doesn’t know what else he is supposed to tell Jim; he’s in no state of mind to be comforting others right now.

Jim shakes his head, trying to ignore that. Of course, it’s Jim’s fault. _He_ ordered the mission, _he_ sent the away team down, _he_ lost contact with two officers, so it _is his fucking fault_. He pushes it away, instead asking, “What happened down there?”

Leonard’s eyes snap open, and he turns to glare at Jim properly. “I told you,” he states.

“You told me Kochanski died,” Jim argues. “I’m asking what happened to _you_ down there, Bones.”

Leonard shakes his head and says, “I ain’t ready t’ talk about it, Jim.”

“Bones…” Jim sighs. He reaches out, wanting to grab Leonard’s hand or run his fingers through his hair, but decides better of it and drops his hand again. He kneels in front of Leonard instead, making sure Leonard’s gaze stays on him. He whispers, “I just want to understand.”

Jim just barely catches the flicker of pain in Leonard’s eyes before he is squeezing them shut again. “The kid died, and I-,” Leonard begins. Jim thinks he’s going to open up and actually talk, but Leonard just shakes his head. His eyes open, looking glassy and _so sad_ , and he wipes at them, frustrated, with the heel of his palm. Then, it’s almost like Leonard shuts down. “I couldn’t save him. That’s all there is to tell, Captain.”

Jim feels like someone just stabbed him in the chest. “Jim,” he corrects. His voice is surprisingly even for a man who just wants to fucking cry. “I’m not ordering you to talk, Bones. I’m Jim, and I’m asking you.”

Leonard’s glassy eyes meet Jim’s, and Jim can see his hands shaking on the desk. He wants to grab them, hold them still, but Jim still doesn’t dare touch him, doesn’t want to scare him. “’M not ready,” Leonard tells him, shaking his head again like it will dislodge the haunting memories.

“Okay,” Jim breathes out. “Just – I’m Jim right now. I’d never order you to tell me somethin’ that’s obviously causing you this much pain.” Leonard nods, but he’s openly crying now, only tearing further into Jim’s already shattered heart. “Can – Can I hold you?” he asks hesitantly.

Leonard’s eyes widen, and he sits straight up. Jim is immediately on his feet, holding his hands up like he’s been caught doing something terribly wrong.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Jim says, his voice shaky. He backs away, moving closer towards the door. “Fuck, that was out of line. I’m sorry.”

“Jim,” Leonard says, but Jim doesn’t stop, instead spinning on his heels and walking right out the door, leaving Leonard alone again. “Damn it.”

Outside of Leonard’s quarters, Jim slumps against the wall, his eyes squeezed tight. He can’t get that face out of his mind, of how _scared_ Leonard looked at just the thought of Jim touching him. And he’s not sure that he’ll ever be able to forget it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this took me forever but I hope y'all enjoy the new update!
> 
> Warnings: blood and alcohol both mentioned in this chapter!

_Blood._

_There's so much blood._

_There’s anywhere between 4.7 to 5.5_ _liters of blood in the average human body – Leonard knows that’s a lot – but this blood isn't in a body. It's dripping down the wall where Lieutenant Kochanski once stood, pooling on the floor around his body, squelching under Leonard's boots._

_The kid is pale, too pale, and he stopped breathing minutes ago, but Leonard can't tear his gaze away._

_Leonard was bound and helpless. All he could do was watch and shout until his throat hurt as they stabbed him in the stomach, watch as Kochanski bled out and gasped for air, until it all just stopped. The kid stopped moving, breathing,_ living _._

_Leonard stares at him, vision blurred by the silent tears falling down his cheeks. He stares at the kid’s unseeing eyes for so long, he hardly realizes when the eyes change until a completely separate horror grips him._

_It’s Jim._

 

Leonard jolts awake. He’s freezing – he kicked the thin regulation sheet off the bed during the night – but he’s covered in sweat. His chest heaves and tears he didn’t know about were dripping from his cheeks onto the mattress below him. He orders the lights to fifty percent and stands. Frustrated, he wipes the tears from his cheeks and moves toward the bottles on his desk. When Leonard reaches out, his damn hand is shaking and he balls it into a tight fist dropping it to his side again.

_Damn it! He’s supposed to be stronger than this._

Leonard reaches out again, focusing solely on steadying his hand, but it’s of no use and the bottle crashes to the ground shattering around his bare feet.

“God damn it!” this time, Leonard speaks aloud.

He ignores the pain and crumbles into his desk chair. A moment later, he pushes a couple bottles aside and presses the comm button on his desk, choosing to ignore the tremble in his fingers for now. Leonard’s voice is hoarse and broken when he speaks again, muttering into the darkness, “McCoy to Captain Kirk.”

It’s moments before a tired voice answers, and Leonard feels a pang of guilt knowing that he’s woken the man up. “Kirk here,” Jim answers, the concern in his voice loud and clear through the damn speaker.

Leonard doesn’t hesitate this time, holding down the button and admitting, “I need you.”

It’s silent, and Leonard wonders if Jim has simply grown tired of this. He’s convinced himself that it’s true by the time the door panel lets out a low whistle followed immediately by the door swooshing open without response.

Jim enters. As the door seals behind him, his eyes fall to the glass surrounding Leonard’s bare feet and the blood slowly oozing from his torn flesh.

“What did you do?” Jim’s voice is quiet. His chest hurts, and he can’t quite make himself move, so he just stares.

Leonard looks up, eyes red and puffy, and he answers, “I – it was an accident.”

His voice snaps Jim out of his trance, and he’s falling to his knees in front of Leonard before either of them can utter another word. “Don’t move,” he tells Leonard, who just watches him despondently. Jim scrambles to pick up the glass around him, placing each handful of glass into the disposal. When he’s done, he stays on his knees, staring up at Leonard. “Do you want me to comm Nurse Chapel?” Jim asks – he knows she’s been the only one allowed to touch him since the mission.

Leonard’s eyes are unfocused, but he forces himself to find Jim’s and shakes his head ‘no’.

Jim’s eyebrows furrow, and he says, “These cuts have to be taken care of, Bones.” He gestures vaguely at Leonard’s bare feet, still not daring to touch him.

“Got a med kit right here,” Leonard replies, voice only slightly more even than the first time he spoke.

Jim shakes his head. “You shouldn’t be taking care of this yourself.”

Leonard shrugs half-heartedly, and mutters, “I got you for that, right?”

Jim’s eyes widen, and he says, “Bones… I’ll have to touch you…”

Leonard doesn’t seem phased by the thought this time. He just rubs his palms on his pajama pants and nods. “Yeah.”

Something tight in Jim’s chest releases.

 

***

 

Jim touches him only when necessary, calloused fingers hesitant and gentle, as he runs the dermal regenerator over Leonard’s wounds. Leonard stands once Jim tells him to, and the pain is gone along with any sign of injury. He walks toward the bed, lifting his sheet back onto it as he goes, and he sits on the edge.

“Is that…” Jim hesitates, and rephrases, “Do you need anything else?”

Leonard picks at his fingernails, fidgeting – he didn’t do that before. Jim has noticed quite a few things that Leonard didn’t do before.

Leonard answers, voice breaking at first, “I – I want t’… t’ tell you what happened down there.”

Jim feels a sharp pang in his chest. This is what he wanted… _right?_ He nods. “Oh, okay.”

Leonard chews at his lip, another new habit Jim has noticed, and gestures toward the bed. “Take a seat then… please.”

Jim does.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed it! a kudos and/or a comment would just make my day! <3


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